David Copperfield – Day 255 of 331

Sinking on the stones, she took some in each hand, and clenched them up, as if she would have ground them. She writhed into some new posture constantly: stiffening her arms, twisting them before her face, as though to shut out from her eyes the little light there was, and drooping her head, as if it were heavy with insupportable recollections.

“What shall I ever do!” she said, fighting thus with her despair. “How can I go on as I am, a solitary curse to myself, a living disgrace to everyone I come near!” Suddenly she turned to my companion. “Stamp upon me, kill me! When she was your pride, you would have thought I had done her harm if I had brushed against her in the street. You can’t believe—why should you? —a syllable that comes out of my lips. It would be a burning shame upon you, even now, if she and I exchanged a word. I don’t complain. I don’t say she and I are alike—I know there is a long, long way between us. I only say, with all my guilt and wretchedness upon my head, that I am grateful to her from my soul, and love her. Oh, don’t think that all the power I had of loving anything is quite worn out! Throw me away, as all the world does. Kill me for being what I am, and having ever known her; but don’t think that of me!”

He looked upon her, while she made this supplication, in a wild distracted manner; and, when she was silent, gently raised her.

“Martha,” said Mr. Peggotty, “God forbid as I should judge you. Forbid as I, of all men, should do that, my girl! You doen’t know half the change that’s come, in course of time, upon me, when you think it likely. Well!” he paused a moment, then went on. “You doen’t understand how ’yis that this here gentleman and me has wished to speak to you. You doen’t understand what ’yis we has afore us. Listen now!”

His influence upon her was complete. She stood, shrinkingly, before him, as if she were afraid to meet his eyes; but her passionate sorrow was quite hushed and mute.

“If you heerd,” said Mr. Peggotty, “owt of what passed between Mas’r Davy and me, th’ night when it snew so hard, you know as I have been—wheer not—fur to seek my dear niece. My dear niece,” he repeated steadily. “Fur she’s more dear to me now, Martha, than she was dear afore.”

She put her hands before her face; but otherwise remained quiet.

“I have heerd her tell,” said Mr. Peggotty, “as you was early left fatherless and motherless, with no friend fur to take, in a rough seafaring-way, their place. Maybe you can guess that if you’d had such a friend, you’d have got into a way of being fond of him in course of time, and that my niece was kiender daughter-like to me.”

As she was silently trembling, he put her shawl carefully about her, taking it up from the ground for that purpose.

“Whereby,” said he, “I know, both as she would go to the wureld’s furdest end with me, if she could once see me again; and that she would fly to the wureld’s furdest end to keep off seeing me. For though she ain’t no call to doubt my love, and doen’t—and doen’t,” he repeated, with a quiet assurance of the truth of what he said, “there’s shame steps in, and keeps betwixt us.”

I read, in every word of his plain impressive way of delivering himself, new evidence of his having thought of this one topic, in every feature it presented.

“According to our reckoning,” he proceeded, “Mas’r Davy’s here, and mine, she is like, one day, to make her own poor solitary course to London. We believe—Mas’r Davy, me, and all of us—that you are as innocent of everything that has befell her, as the unborn child. You’ve spoke of her being pleasant, kind, and gentle to you. Bless her, I knew she was! I knew she always was, to all. You’re thankful to her, and you love her. Help us all you can to find her, and may Heaven reward you!”

She looked at him hastily, and for the first time, as if she were doubtful of what he had said.

“Will you trust me?” she asked, in a low voice of astonishment.

“Full and free!” said Mr. Peggotty.

“To speak to her, if I should ever find her; shelter her, if I have any shelter to divide with her; and then, without her knowledge, come to you, and bring you to her?” she asked hurriedly.

We both replied together, “Yes!”

She lifted up her eyes, and solemnly declared that she would devote herself to this task, fervently and faithfully. That she would never waver in it, never be diverted from it, never relinquish it, while there was any chance of hope. If she were not true to it, might the object she now had in life, which bound her to something devoid of evil, in its passing away from her, leave her more forlorn and more despairing, if that were possible, than she had been upon the river’s brink that night; and then might all help, human and Divine, renounce her evermore!

She did not raise her voice above her breath, or address us, but said this to the night sky; then stood profoundly quiet, looking at the gloomy water.

We judged it expedient, now, to tell her all we knew; which I recounted at length. She listened with great attention, and with a face that often changed, but had the same purpose in all its varying expressions. Her eyes occasionally filled with tears, but those she repressed. It seemed as if her spirit were quite altered, and she could not be too quiet.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. (To tell the truth I don't even really care if you give me your email or not.)